How to solve parental preference at bedtime

Do you notice that your child will only let one parent get them ready for bed and put them down? If so, you’re not alone! Whether you are the preferred parent who always has to be “on” at bedtime and never gets a break OR you are the non-preferred parent who wants to help but can’t, I know it can feel incredibly frustrating. Parental preference can be a stressful time for the whole family because one parent (typically mum) feels tapped out and trapped while dad feels helpless and a little hurt that he’s not wanted at bedtime. Day in and day out, this pattern can grow really tiring and is often the spark of disagreements between partners. 

But I’m here to help you understand that parental preference, while completely normal, does have a solution and we can work toward easier nights. Let’s walk through everything you need to know about parental preference at bedtime and my best tips to help you solve this common bedtime problem. 

What is parental preference and when does it happen?

In the simplest of terms, parental preference is when your child prefers one parent over the other. This can happen at any time during the day or night of course, but for the purposes of this blog we’ll focus mainly on the parental preference that can happen around bedtime.

Parental preference can occur at any age. From a newborn baby to a toddler or preschooler. As a baby you may find that your child is generally more clingy with one parent. Then as your baby grows and becomes a toddler or preschooler, they may become more demanding and forceful about their preferences.

This doesn’t mean that your child dislikes the non-preferred parent. In fact, some families notice that the preferred parent will change through different stages and developments. There are several reasons why this preference happens and we’ll get into those reasons more specifically next!

Reasons why a child might have a preferred parent

If one parent is the primary caretaker, this can create more familiarity causing the child to prefer them.  This is what happens most often. Perhaps one parent stays home with the child while the other works. The parent at home obviously deals with more of the day to day tasks of feeding, changing, and getting the child to sleep. These routines and patterns are things that your child latches onto because it makes them feel safe. It’s not to say that the non-preferred parent isn’t safe, just that your child may feel less at ease since they are so used to being with the preferred parent.

If one parent is away more frequently, this can create more excitement to see them when they are there causing the child to prefer them. On the flip side, I have seen it happen that the parent who is actually away more becomes the preferred parent when they are home. This parent is often seen as the “fun” parent because when they are around the child receives more focused playtime instead of the everyday moments that happen with the parent who is home more. Because of this association with fun and excitement, it makes the parent who is gone more often become the preferred parent.

If one parent is more lenient at bedtime, this can mean the child has learned they get away with more causing the child to prefer them. This one starts to come out more with toddlers and preschoolers. It’s not unusual in relationships for one parent to be the firm boundary holding figure and the other parent to be more easy going and lenient. Your little one is so smart and can absolutely pick up on these differences. If your child is going through a phase of resisting bedtime, they are going to prefer the parent who is more likely to give in. They know this will allow them to stall, push bedtime off, and maybe have extra help and attention while falling asleep.

If one parent is breastfeeding, this can often be associated with sleep time and therefore it causes the child to prefer them as their mode to fall asleep. It’s not unusual for breastfeeding to be associated with falling asleep. Obviously, if the child prefers to fall asleep breastfeeding, then they will also prefer the parent who can offer breastfeeding. And even though breastfeeding is just one step in the bedtime routine, sometimes it’s easy to get stuck and the breastfeeding parent may just take over bedtime completely because it feels easier in the moment.

This is not an exhaustive list and I’m sure there are many other reasons why a child would prefer one parent over the other. These are just the most common examples that I see when working with families to improve their sleep.

Tips to incorporate the non-preferred parent at bedtime

Gradually expose your child to the non-preferred parent

There’s no rush here, so take some time planning out a course of action and then following through with it. The goal is to slowly get the non-preferred parent involved more and more in the bedtime process. We want to start with the parent assisting here and there, then leading the bedtime routine, and eventually able to take over the bedtime routine and give the preferred parent nights off.

Here’s an example of what this looks like in real life:

Step 1: Have the preferred parent in the lead role at bedtime while the non-preferred parent does small tasks like running the bath, drying the child off, getting the bottle ready, laying out the pajamas, and overall just being present throughout the whole routine.

Step 2: Have the non-preferred parent take over an extra task during the bedtime routine every couple of nights. The preferred parent is still right there and doing a majority of the routine at first but we are gradually taking tasks off their plate. At first, the non-preferred parent can take on the task of reading the bedtime story, then a couple nights later they can dress the child for bed, then after a couple more nights they can run the whole bathtime process, and so on. 

Step 3: Eventually, the non-preferred parent will be doing all the bedtime tasks while the preferred parent is still present but really just an observer. 

Step 4: Finally, the preferred parent should “leave” for the night before bedtime so that the non-preferred parent can handle the bedtime routine all alone. I recommend the preferred parent leave (or at least pretend to leave so that the child thinks they are gone) so that it doesn’t feel as frustrating for the child. If the preferred parent is sitting in the living room and the child knows that, they will struggle more to accept bedtime from the non-preferred parent.

Step 5: After a couple times of the preferred parent leaving while the non-preferred parent does the bedtime routine, then the parents should come up with a rotating system so that they are each able to do bedtime and each able to have a break from bedtime. Try not to fall back into a rut of only one parent doing bedtime unless you are okay with that becoming the norm again.

Validate their feelings but hold the boundary

As you go through the steps above, it would be completely normal if your child resists these changes and has big feelings about them. This is a normal and healthy part of the process and we want your child to feel free to express themselves.

However, you know that you are making the right decision for the family as a whole and that your child is safe and loved. So while seeing them upset may be challenging, it’s okay to hold firm with what you are doing. Don’t let their protest keep you all stuck in a cycle that is not healthy for the family.

Validate how they are feeling: “I know you want mum to read the book tonight but it’s dad’s turn.” “It’s okay to be upset but this is what we are doing.” “You’re angry that mum is putting you to bed tonight. Dad will be back to put you to bed tomorrow night.”

This step of validating feelings while holding the boundary is one of the hardest steps and it takes practice and patience but you can do it!

Make sure the non-preferred parent gets 1:1 time your child too

In addition to slowly incorporating the non-preferred parent into bedtime, you should also try to work in special 1:1 time at other parts of the day as well. This typically works best if the preferred parent is going out or running errands but it can also happen with the preferred parent still at home but out of sight. The non-preferred parent should spend some quality time just getting down and playing or reading with the child. It doesn’t need to be large chunks of time. You can start small with 5-10 minutes at a time. Just make sure you are giving your child undivided attention. Get on their level and play what they want to play and how they want to play. This 1:1 child-led time can go a long way towards building a stronger bond.

If parental preference is just one of many problems you are experiencing at bedtime, let’s chat! I regularly work with families who need help creating peaceful routines at bedtime and I’d love to make that possible for you and your family. Let’s schedule a free 15 minute discovery call so we can see if my approach to sleep is the right fit for you! We can discuss what’s happening sleep-wise and work out how to move forward with the right sleep package for you. I can answer any questions you have to put your mind at ease! Schedule your free call here.

Vanessa x

Your Fave Sleep Specialist and Friend.