Managing life (& sleep) with a toddler and newborn

Welcoming a new baby into your family can be such a joyous and exciting time. But if you’ve got a toddler, chances are you’re dealing with extra meltdowns, clinginess, jealousy, and maybe even some sleep disruptions. Your heart may be breaking because you just want your toddler to love and accept their new sibling. I hope you know that while this can feel really disheartening, it’s also completely normal. Your toddler has been the center of your world for their whole life so this is a big adjustment. But take heart- they will adjust and they will be just fine. 

But here are 5 tips I wish I’d known when I brought home my second child. These tips should help you get your footing and hold those toddler sleep regressions at bay. For more help with your new baby’s sleep, check out my Newborn Sleep Guide here.

Tip #1- Have realistic expectations

It is crucial to head into this new season of life with realistic expectations. It is a beautiful thing to add a new baby to your family but it will be challenging. It won’t be this hard forever, but those first few months are sure to be difficult.

Chances are that with your toddler, sleep has settled in over the years and you aren’t up all night long. (However, if you’re still struggling with your toddler’s sleep, let’s chat and get their sleep on track before your newborn comes along) This will obviously change when you have a newborn and you’ll be back to waking up multiple times a night for a while. You may have even forgotten what newborn sleep was like or how little sleep you got those first few weeks and months. Preparing yourself for that piece of things will be really helpful so you don’t feel blindsided and you can make a plan.

Another area to work on expectations is the possible guilt that you may feel when it comes to your toddler. Adding a new sibling is a perfectly normal and healthy part of life but it can cause you to feel a little bad for your toddler and the 1:1 attention that they are losing. This is an adjustment of life and your toddler will be just fine, I promise, but prepare yourself for the big emotions that will come from them (and you) during this new phase. 

Tip #2- 1:1 time is key

Because your toddler will be experiencing new territory and missing their usual 1:1 time with you, it’s important to carve time out each day. This will take effort at first when you are juggling both little ones but do your best to make it happen each day. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening. You could do this while the newborn naps or when your partner is home by splitting up. During this special 1:1 time, put your phone away, put your to-do list away, and just focus on being present with your child. Engage with them in play, reading, or sharing a meal together. Let them lead and don’t feel the need to entertain them or dictate what and how you play. Follow their lead and join them in what they want to do.

When that 1:1 time is over, it will probably be a hard transition into the next family activity but it’s okay to draw those boundaries that work best for the whole family. Tell your toddler how excited you are for the next time you get to do your special time and talk about what you should do next time.

If you’re part of a 2 parent household, it can be extremely beneficial for your toddler to get this 1:1 time with each of you separately. Even if they prefer spending 1:1 time with one parent over the other, keep the non-preferred parent rotating in so that all the parties get that 1:1 time AND get a break too.

This goes for the bedtime routine as well. Your toddler is used to your undivided attention at bedtime so whenever possible, try to continue filling their cup in this way before bed. I know this may not be practical every night but even when a parent is doing bedtime solo, babywearing the newborn can help you remain hands-free and hands-on with your toddler for bedtime.

Tip #3- Avoid big changes

While I know it can be tempting to make lots of changes right before the new baby comes or right after, avoid this if at all possible. This includes transitioning from cot to bed, moving rooms (or houses), toilet training, and even starting daycare. Your toddler’s world is already being rocked so try to minimize these extra stressors whenever it’s possible and realistic.

I see parents move their little one out of the cot in preparation for the new baby coming but oftentimes, the toddler is not ready for this change and it typically causes sleep issues of its own. Some workarounds here include purchasing a second cot for the new baby or using a bassinet during the first several months.

Trying to toilet train before or after the baby comes can sound like a good idea but trust me when I say you’ll already have your hands plenty full once the newborn comes and there is no rush to toilet train your toddler. Save your sanity and either do it well before the new baby comes or wait until you’ve all settled into life as a family of 4+. For more information on nighttime toilet training & sleep, check out my blog post here.

Tip #4- Don’t rush in

Picture this for a second: You hear your toddler waking overnight and being noisy. Usually, you would pause before going in (or even stay out completely while they resettle themselves back to sleep). But because you are worried your newborn will hear them and wake up, you instead rush right in and pull out all your best tricks to get your toddler to fall back asleep quickly. Your toddler finds that they enjoy this VIP treatment and the next night when they wake up, instead of settling themselves back to sleep like usual, they decide to call out for you again to see what will happen. You can see how this cycle could continue and cause new sleep issues to emerge.

This one goes both ways too! At night we don’t want to create a pattern of rushing to quiet your toddler so they don’t wake up the baby. We also don't want to fall into a rut where we are constantly reacting to your newborn’s noises for fear that they might disturb your toddler. We can start to create unhelpful and unsustainable habits if we get stuck in this place with either child.

The first way to avoid this trap is to accept that your children will wake each other up from time to time. It's unfortunate, but it’s part of being a family and all living under one roof together. Yes, it will be a pain the times that it happens, but it doesn’t happen as much as you’d think it would and the habits you’ll save yourself will actually result in more sleep overall.

The second way to avoid this trap is to ensure that you are using white noise for both your newborn and your toddler when they sleep. White noise is not only helpful during the onset of sleep, but it also acts as a buffer to block out noises that would stimulate your little one’s brain and wake them up. If you feel like sound carries in your house, you can also add an extra sound machine in the hallway between the two bedrooms. 

Tip #5- Trade off with your partner

I touched on this a little bit in tip #2 but I find this tip is so beneficial for each individual member of the family. It’s not unusual to see one parent (we’ll call them parent A) bearing the brunt of newborn care while parent B may be in charge of the toddler. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this of course and sometimes it’s just how things go. However, I find this can not only be frustrating for the toddler who is now missing out on 1:1 time with parent A but it also causes the newborn to only accept parent A’s soothing. This then puts a lot of extra pressure on parent A with a newborn who will only settle when in their arms and a toddler who also only wants parent A. 

My point here is to be in communication with your partner and talk about a plan for taking turns or shifts. Try not to fall into the habit of only one specific parent dealing with the newborn so that the other parent feels helpless when in charge of the newborn. Adding another child to your family is a team effort and it should be all hands on deck to navigate this journey.

*For more tips on dealing with parental preference at bedtime, check out this blog-  Read More Here

If you’re still feeling stressed about navigating life with 2 little ones, let’s chat! I’d love to give you a free 15 minute discovery call so we can see if my approach to sleep is the right fit for you! We can discuss what’s happening sleep-wise and work out how to move forward with the right sleep package for your family. I can answer any questions you have to put your mind at ease! Schedule your free call here.

Vanessa x
Your Fave Sleep Specialist and Friend